An open letter to Yew

Out of the blue, you appeared in my screen, or did I type your name in? I took that picture. Yeah, I remember that night. You brought me brownies during my rehearsals and we walked under the starry skies one February night.You told me I was beautiful. You said you loved me and you can't wait to spend the rest of your life with me.

We said a lot of things and felt a lot of things and then one day.. it turned into hate, guilt, pain, betrayal and then the saddest part of all.. indifference. It's funny how someone can mean the world to you one day, and then the next day, you stop caring.

You stop caring because it's the only way to move forward.

It's been what.. 8-9 months since the last time we were happy and smiling and... inlove? I miss you. It's true, especially now. I'm sad and I'm lonely. I never felt alone when I was with you. You always did your best to make me smile. You were always there for me. I'm sorry if I took everything for granted. You were right, I was selfish. You were my friend.. my bestfriend, and now you're just a memory. When the clock strikes twelve on New Year's Eve, you're not going to be the one I call, not anymore.

No, I don't want to get back together. I'm not writing this because I'm bitter or I want you back. I just miss you. Sometimes that happens, especially when it's 3' o clock in the morning and I feel alone and sad and I can't sleep. I look back and I smile and I feel pain but not regret. No. Not Regret. I can never ever let myself feel regret. I loved, I was loved and then slowly, I moved on.

I miss you. The kind of miss that doesn't long for anything but a picture and the memories that comes with it. No kiss. No embrace. Just a picture. A picture that I took one cold February night.  



P.S. 10 days ago you posted "Like We Used to" by A Rocket to the Moon. You posted it in your private account. The one only I know about. The one were you post notes about us. About me. Well, the answers is "No".

I'm still alone and I'm still not the "better person" I want to be. I'm getting there. I'm inlove though. Nope, not part of the plan. I know, shit happens. Yeah, it's him and yes, I know you hate his guts because of what happened and yes I don't expect us to ever be friends again or even talk to each other ever again. But, I want you to know that I wish you all the happiness in the world. You deserve it. You're a nice person and the girl you've been waiting for your whole life is out there somewhere. Yes, she will be like your mother which means no, she won't be anything like me so it's safe. Fall inlove. Be happy.

Light Blue. My favorite color is Light Blue.

 What's your limit? How many dead lovers can you keep packed inside your heart? When do you stop running? There must be an end to all of it. There must be a point where your own heart stars betraying you.

"In time" you said. When will that be? When will you get tired of playing games? When you finally find what I found in you.. but with someone else? That part still hurts. I still feel a pang of pain whenever that thought crosses my mind even though I told myself countless of times that it is what it is and I'm stupid for wanting more.

I never had a fair chance. I love(d) you and you broke me. You broke me because you were scared and now I'm scared. I'm scared and numb at the same time. I don't even wait for text messages anymore or feel bad when you don't text me back right away or not at all. Disappointment has been an over-used emotion this past few months, so over-used that I hardly feel it anymore. It's easier this way. Expect nothing.

The complains will never stop. I'll never be good enough.


New year's resolution number two: Eliminate unhealthy relationships.

Lame Christmas

Oh 2012, How glad I am that you're finally almost over. You've brought me misery and life lessons and I'm ready to start a new chapter. I can't wait for a fresh start.

I would apologize for my emotional posts but nah, It's my freakin' blog so yeah. At least I know better now. There's more to life than love, I'll keep that in mind from now on. I won't apologize but I would, however, keep my misery to myself next time. My first resolution, Yey!

Today's the 24th of December, usually I feel giddy and happy this time of the year, but today, I don't. It's going to be just me, my mom and my brother this year. My lola's been gone for 2 years now, that's 3 Christmas, and my little sister is with her daddy. I wanted to cook but my mom decided against it. Sad.

This has to be the lamest Christmas ever. Christmas always felt special when I was younger but now, it sucks big time. I miss childhood. I wish I never grew up sometimes.

So why is Christmas such an epic fail this year?

1. My sister's not here.
2. My mom isn't in the mood.
3. We don't have anything for Noche Buena
4. Grimes is being a jerk as always
5. I feel lonely.

All I want for Christmas is a hug. Seriously.

On falling inlove and falling flat on your face.

"Maybe, we're meant to just spend a certain part of our lives with certain people and move on."

I cried. You asked me what was wrong and I answered, "You don't love me". You told me I was wrong, then you pulled me closer and it made me cry even harder. You held me in your arms and I just sat there and cried.

That night, I finally understood. You do love me, just not enough.

We haven't seen each other in two weeks.. two long weeks. You told your family I was seeing someone else to avoid questions, even though the truth was, I've been spending the last two weeks crying myself to sleep.

You said you missed me. You said you were "a little" depress when I left. You said you didn't stop me because 1) It wasn't your fault and it was beyond your control, and 2) You're okey with it. I was devastated and you were okey. K. "I missed you too" that's all I said... that was all I can say.

But let me tell you a secret, I don't miss you now. I feel like I'm somehow free from you. Not because I don't love you, because I still do. But I don't love you as much as yesterday or the day before that. 

The truth is, I'm starting to entertain the idea of falling for someone else. There is no one  else, but there is a dream of someone else. I've accepted that this love lives on a borrowed time and I'm finally okay with that.

I love you but not in a teenager-iloveyouforever-way. Not anymore. 

I love you but when the time comes, I know I would be able to let you go without breaking into pieces. I know that this time, the pain would be minimal, because I no longer have expectations. I'm letting whatever we have run it's course and when it's over, I'll move on with no regrets. 


You taught me something important, love doesn't have to be all or nothing.

I don't know what this is, but I do know that this is not a relationship -- or at least the type of relationship I would want. Maybe we're just being alone together and that's enough.

An open letter to myself

Why are you so freakin' stupid? Grow the f*ck up! You changed your mobile number for a reason, Damn it! You promised me that you will give this insane relationship up. Stop it! Stop now before you end up getting hurt again.

How many times does he have to break your heart before you come to your senses? Aren't you tired of feeling rejected? He is bad news. He will never change, and if he ever did, he will still leave you. You don't want to be the one to fix him, because no matter how much emotional investment you make, he will still leave. You will never be enough. Stay away from people who are emotionally unavailable, because it will never workout. The only person who can help them is them, so let them fix their problems. They'll only bring you down and no matter how hard you try, they'll only make you feel like crap.

I know you have so much love to give because you're such a hopeless romantic, but he's not worth it. He doesn't deserve it. You deserve better, so stop thinking otherwise. More than anyone you deserve the love you're willing to give. You deserve to be happy too. You deserve someone who will laugh at your jokes. Someone who will bring out the best in you, not make you feel insecure. He will be 100x better and you deserve better. Believe me.

Let him go and move on. Give yourself a chance to be happy and don't settle for anything less than you deserve.


Love,

The logical part of you who cares about you more than anyone.

#pushkin

I Loved You

 

I loved you, and I probably still do,
And for a while the feeling may remain...
But let my love no longer trouble you,
I do not wish to cause you any pain.
I loved you; and the hopelessness I knew,
The jealousy, the shyness - though in vain -
Made up a love so tender and so true
As may God grant you to be loved again.

-Alexander Sergeyevich Pushkin

Charles Bukowski

“Being alone never felt right. Sometimes it felt good, but it never felt right.”

“Before my death I hope to obtain my life.”

“people so tired mutilated either by love or no love.”

“I’ve had so many knives stuck into me, when they hand me a flower I can’t quite make out what it is. It takes time.”

“There are worse things than being alone but it often takes decades to realize this and most often when you do it’s too late and there’s nothing worse than too late.”

“My dear,
Find what you love and let it kill you. 
Let it drain you of your all. 
Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness.
Let it kill you and let it devour your remains.
For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it’s much better to be killed by a lover.”

“Those who escape hell, however, never talk about it. And nothing much bothers them after that.”

“We’re all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn’t. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.”

“I don’t seek solutions—just large spaces between not knowing and not wanting to know.”

“When you get the shit kicked out of you long enough, you have a tendency to say what you really mean.”

“It was like any other impossible job, you got tired and you wanted to quit and then you got more tired and forgot to quit, and the minutes didn’t move, you lived forever inside of one minute, no hope, no out, trapped, too dumb to quit and nowhere to go if you did quit.”

“I wanted the whole world or nothing.”

“The free soul is rare, but you know it when you see it - basically because you feel good, very good, when you are near or with them.”

“I knew I was strong, and maybe like they said, “crazy.” But I had this feeling inside of me that something real was there.”

“The problem was you had to keep choosing between one evil or another, and no matter what you chose, they sliced a little bit more off you, until there was nothing left… The others had some taste for life. They seemed to understand something that I didn’t understand. Maybe I was lacking. It was possible. I often felt inferior. I just wanted to get away from them. But there was no place to go.”

“The less I needed, the better I felt”

“I will remember the kisses 
our lips raw with love 
and how you gave me 
everything you had 
and how I 
offered you what was left of 
me.”

“This is very important — to take leisure time. Peace is the essence. Without stopping entirely and doing nothing at all for great periods, you’re gonna lose everything…just to do nothing at all, very, very important. And how many people do this in modern society? Very few. That’s why they’re all totally mad, frustrated, angry and hateful.”

“I was drawn to all the wrong things: I liked to drink, I was lazy, I didn’t have a god, politics, ideas, ideals. I was settled into nothingness; a kind of non-being, and I accepted it. I didn’t make for an interesting person. I didn’t want to be interesting, it was too hard. What I really wanted was only a soft, hazy space to live in, and to be left alone.”

“There is a place in the heart that will never be filled; a space. And even during the best moments, and the greatest times, we will know it.”

“I felt like crying but nothing came out. it was just a sort of sad sickness, sick sad, when you can’t feel any worse. I think you know it. I think everybody knows it now and then. but I think I have known it pretty often, too often.”

“I find that when the pain gets bad enough there are only three things to do -get drunk, kill yourself or laugh. I usually get drunk and laugh.”

“I suppose like others
I have come through fire and sword,
love gone wrong,
head-on crashes, drunk at sea,
and I have listened to the simple sound of water running
in tubs
and wished to drown”

“I don’t know about other people, but when I wake up in the morning and put my shoes on, I think, Jesus Christ, now what?”

“Beauty is nothing, beauty won’t stay. You don’t know how lucky you are to be ugly, because if people like you, you know it’s for something else.”

“To create art means to be crazy alone forever.”

“If you’re losing your soul and you know it, then you’ve still got a soul left to lose.”

“When you play the field selfishly, everything works against you”

“I don’t know if this is true to you but for me
sometimes it gets so bad
that anything else
say like
looking at a bird on an overhead
power line
seems as great as a Beethoven symphony.
then you forget it and you’re back
again.”

“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.”

“I guess the only time most people think about injustice is when it happens to them.”

“People were interesting at first. Then later, slowly but surely, all the flaws and madness would manifest themselves. I would become less and less to them; they would mean less and less to me.”

“Take a writer away from his typewriter and all you have left is the sickness which started him typing in the beginning.”

“I was a man who thrived on solitude; without it I was like another man without food or water. Each day without solitude weakened me. I took no pride in my solitude; but I was dependent on it. The darkness of the room was like sunlight to me.”

“I stopped looking for a Dream Girl, I just wanted one that wasn’t a nightmare.”

“dear reader,
do you know something?
those who keep asking the same question
really don’t want to hear the answer.”

“Real loneliness is not necessarily limited to when you are alone.”

“Before my death I hope to obtain my life.”

“all people start to
come apart finally
and there it is:
just empty ashtrays in a room
or wisps of hair on a comb
in the dissolving moonlight.”

“Nobody can save you but yourself — and you’re worth saving. It’s a war not easily won but if anything is worth winning — this is it.”

"Nothing hunts us like things we don't say"

“The world is full of boring, identical and mindless people.”

“He asked, ‘What makes a writer?’ ‘Well,’ I said, ‘it’s simple. You either get it down on paper, or jump off a bridge.”

“I will remember your small room, the feel of you, the light in the window, your records, your books, our morning coffee, our noons, our nights, our bodies spilled together, sleeping, the tiny flowing currents, immediate and forever. Your leg, my leg, your arm, my arm, your smile and the warmth of you who made me laugh again.”

“And I wasn’t lonely. I got depressed, suicidal, but that wasn’t the same as being lonely. Being lonely meant you needed somebody. I didn’t. All I needed was for them not to suffocate me.”

“she’s mad but she’s
magic. there’ no lie in her fire.” I loved you
like a man loves a woman he never touches, only
writes to, keeps little photographs of. I would have
loved you more if I had sat in a small room rolling a
cigarette and listened to you piss in the bathroom,
but that didn’t happen. your letters got sadder.
your lovers betrayed you. kid, I wrote back, all
lovers betray. it didn’t help.”

“we settle for just a fraction of the whole.”

“My ambition is handicapped by laziness.”

“I take much pleasure in being alone but there is also a strange warm grace in not being alone.”

“I don’t hate people, I just feel better when they’re not around.”

“The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.”

“She was desperate and she was choosy 
at the same time and, in a way, beautiful, but she didn’t have quite enough going for her to 
become what 
she imagined herself to be”

“For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can’t readily accept the God formula, the big answers don’t remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command nor faith a dictum. I am my own god. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.”

Thought Catalog

The People You Will Fall In Love With In Your 20s

Jun. 8, 2012

By Ryan O'Connell 

You will fall in love with someone who annoys you, whose orgasm face looks and feels pathetic. Despite all of this, there’s something keeping you drawn to them, something that makes you want to protect them from the harsh world. What you fail to realize, however, is that you are the harsh world. You aren’t their noble protector — you are someone to be protected from but it takes a lot of dates, a lot of nights where you question whether or not you are actually a good person, for this to ever resonate with you. When it’s over and whatever love is left is put back in the fridge like a sad plate of leftovers, you will finally understand that you have the power to hurt someone. You can either hurt them or love them and it’s up to you to decide what kind of role you would like to take on in future relationships. What feels more comfortable — being the one who loves more or being the one who’s loved less?

You will fall in love with someone who’s cold and always seemingly pushing you away. When all is said and done, they will be forever known as the one person you couldn’t get to love you. Unfortunately, it will hurt and sting worse than the good ones, the ones that chopped up your meat for you and picked out an eyelash from your eye and were nice to your mother, because love often feels like a game we need to win. And when we lose, when we realize we couldn’t get what we ultimately desired from a person, it makes us feel like a failure and erases all the memories of those who loved us in the past. It’s a permanent smudge on your love resume.

You will fall in love with someone for one night and one night only. They’ll come to you when you need them and be gone in the morning when you don’t. At first, this will make you feel empty and you’ll try to convince yourself that you could’ve loved this person for longer than a night, but you can’t. Some people are just meant to make cameo appearances, some are destined to be a pithy footnote. That’s okay though. Not every person we love has to stick around. Sometimes it’s better to leave while you’re still ahead. Sometimes it’s better to leave before you get unloved.
You will fall in love with the old couple down the street because to you they represent the impossible: a stable, long-lasting love. You’re trying to get someone to like you for more than ten minutes. A monogamous “never get sick of ya” love seems unfathomable. “What’s your secret, sir? Do you just say yes a lot?”

You will fall in love with smells, the good and the bad kind. You will want to wear your lovers shirt because it makes you feel close to them and you’re okay with being that PYSCHO who is legitimately sniffing their shirt in public. You will fall in love with sweat, certain perfumes, the smell of the season in which you fell in love. This particular love smells like fall. It smells like Halloween and a roaring fire and leaves and fog and mist and candy and food and family and whiskey and sex and the lint that collects on sweaters. When it ends, if it ends, you will never experience another fall without thinking of him, her, it. The memories will stick to the ground like a mound of leaves and will only dissipate when the weather drops.

You will fall in love with your friends. Deep, passionate love. You will create a second family with them, a kind of tribe that makes you feel less vulnerable. Sometimes our families can’t love us all the time. Sometimes we’re born into families who don’t know how to love us properly. They do as much as they can but the rest is up to our friends. They can love you all the time, without judgement. At least the good ones can.

This is where I’m supposed to tell you that you will fall in love with The One, a person who isn’t too cold or too nice. Their “O” face is perfectly fine and they’re not afraid to show how much they love you. This person is supposed to wait for us at the end of the twentysomething road as some kind of reward for all the heartache and loneliness. We deserve them. We’ve earned this kind of love.
So fine. You’re going to fall in love with The One. You’re going to fall in love with someone who will make sense beyond college or a job or a particular season. They’ll make sense forever and won’t ever want to leave you behind. I’m telling you this not because it’s true but because it NEEDS to be true. Everyone is entitled to this kind of love, so why not? Have it. It’s yours. Blow out the candles on your 30th birthday, holding their hand, and let out an exhale that’s been waiting for ten years. Do it. Now.

I just love love love love this article and it seemed like a crime not to share. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did. Check out Ryan O'Connell at Thought Catalog, he's my favorite. :)

I kissed the wrong frog

"Without open love and reciprocity, there would be no point in great personal investment."

I'm not mad, I'm hurt but not mad. He lied to my face the night he told me that the facebook "I miss you" message was sent a year ago when I know so well that he only just recently added that cosplay girl. That was the same night he was texting her while he was with me, and today I saw them together even though he told me that he wouldn't. I didn't want to listen to his lame excuses. He told me it was her who went to his school to see him, and how it's not his fault and that he even declined her request to accompany her to wherever the f*ck she wanted to go to, how would she even know he was there that time? He agreed to see her and if it weren't for the fact that I saw them and texted him as soon as I did, I doubt he'll decline her request.

I felt all my blood raise when I saw the two of them, I was so pissed and I didn't know why. The moment I saw her when we (Anne and I) left Jollibee, I had this gut feeling she was going to meet him. I decided not to follow her because I'm not that psycho, I continued on my way home ignoring the nagging psycho feeling. But life is cruel, while on my way home, I saw them, all smiles and everything and my blood boiled. It's not as if they were doing anything beyond friendly, but I don't know.. I was just pissed as hell. I felt betrayed. 

I don't want to argue or start a fight. I just want to forget about him and that girl and all the other girls he brags about, his girl friends and his ultimate crush. I know something's up and I'm not going to let myself be manipulated into a one-sided relationship anymore. He lied to my face a few times already and I ignored most of them for the sake of our relationship. I know deep inside that even though we're in a relationship, he's still trying to maintain his single image. Hidden relationship status and no sign of even having one, phone calls to-from girl friends, textmates, he kept adding girls on facebook and he told me I'm not allowed to read his facebook messages because I'll only get hurt. I'm not the jealous and controlling type, I knew my ex-boyfriends facebook account but never really opened it and I never read his phone messages. I wanted to trust him and I did, but he kept letting me down.

Maybe we don't and won't ever have the "connection". Maybe I won't ever be good enough for him. Maybe he's just enjoying life and I should just let him have his fun and go my own way because zeus knows I can't be in a relationship that's less than serious and head-over-heels-inlove type.

I don't want to become bitter. All I want is to be alone for the meantime. I don't want to look at what happened like a black and white picture because he did make me happy, and every now and then I did felt loved. But, I'm emotionally drained. I've been to a complicated breakup to a complicated relationship and I seriously need a break. 

It's all my fault actually, I ignored all the warning signs that screams incompatibility. I allowed the relationship to last longer than it should. He may not be the best boyfriend in the world but I wasn't my best either. I'm messed up on the inside and all my dramas ruined whatever potential we had. He's a wonderful-ish guy, but he's not right for me.

In all the relationships I've had though, this perhaps is the one where I grew the most as a person, and from what I've learned, part of growing up is deleting things and people who are bad for you, because not everyone in this world has your best interest at heart. He's not for me, not only because we're incompatible but because he always hurts me without even realizing it. We're not meant to be because we want different things, I may have some of the attributes he's looking for, but that doesn't cancel out our fundamental differences or stop him from flirting with other girls. We're not meant to be because he's not inlove with me. He hurts me in ways he won't understand because he's not as sensitive or as romantic as I am. Because to him everything is simple and I'm just being crazy. He always makes me feel insufficient and our relationship feels vague. I always have to stop myself from saying or doing things crazy-inlove people do because any display of genuine emotion seemed corny to him, I did my best to play it cool. It was a "sometimes happy - most of the time miserable" type of relationship.

I have to stop running around in circles trying to chase him, It's taken me a while but I finally learned to accept that we're not meant for each other - no amount of tolerance and compromises can change that.

I saw what I wanted to see and failed to see the obvious. In my head I thought: "So much could happen and we're only just beginning, so never mind that it's not living to my expectations.". But now I know better, I'll always find comfort in that. People can be crappy and we have to accept that. He may have hurt me but it's just the way he is and he didn't do it on purpose. If he preferred talking to other girls because they understand him better, I couldn't really hold that against him, I can understand that and by ending everything, I'm doing us both a favor.

I honestly wanted it to work, but there are things in life that you simply have to let go of. I have to let logic win over emotion. If I don't let go of someone who's wrong for me, I'll never find the right one. 

I want to put my life together before letting someone else in again, because that's the main goal.. to sort all your crap so you can love someone.

I'm at peace with what is over and I don't regret it because there's nothing to regret. <3

poem #1

And in my heart 

I suddenly knew

You love me not

and we're finally through

The curtains are drawn

and I could finally see

Your kisses were lies

And so were your smiles

My love was true

But all you did was make me blue

So goodbye old friend

My middle finger salutes you.


HMUS

Marla Miniano

“...falling in love and trying to make someone fall in love with you and working to stay in love and forcing yourself to fall out of love with someone who will never love you back is much, much more exhausting than being alone.” 

“When people say they don't want to get into a relationship, it should never be taken into face value because it is never really the whole truth. It is usually a vast collection of issues and fears and complications, forced to conceal one tiny hope lurking underneath it all: that someday, somebody will come along to discover, accept and understand and strengthen that feeble hope.”


“It's the little things she needs someone for, like someone to hold her hand at the end of a long day, or someone to watch stupid comedies with, or someone to curl up with on the couch on a lazy Sunday morning as she reads the newspaper and eats her cereal. Which probably means she doesn't 'need' someone in the strictest sense, although at the end of a long day, or while watching a stupid comedy, or on a lazy Sunday morning, having someone would be very much appreciated.” 

“Guys are so easy to drive out of your life, especially when their interest in you has mostly been sustained by your blind, naive, hopelessly hopeful interest in them.”  


“Sometimes, people just stop wanting to be with you, plain and simple. It happens. And it's always best to just leave it at that. It's always best to just let it all go.” 

'I guess I have been feeling for a while now and that it's strong and scary enough to make me want to run away, but also real and wonderful enough to make me want to stay."

“Our lives have intersected in more points that I can imagine, and I no longer know where he ends and where I begin.Our lives have intertwined in more ways that I can take in, and I don’t know how to go back to being myself anymore without being reminded of him- everything reminds me of him.”  


"I think, maybe, if you become so accustomed to not caring, it becomes your default solution to every problem and your default reaction to every situation. And maybe, if people become so accustomed to you not caring, they think you can just breeze through life and let things like these roll off your back."



"If they were truly happy, they would tell you they love each other. The "still" wouldn't be a part of the equation. because the 'still" represents a looming deadline. because the "still" means that although there is something left--remnants of love or respect or trust--it is rapidly, undeniably, diminishing."

'Two years from now, we will both be right where want to be. And i want to ask him these: If we had remained within each other's realities--if only we were strong and patient enough; If we tried a bit harder, stayed a bit longer, grew up a bit faster, blocked the pain off a bit better--when we finally got our ducks in a row, do you think it would've worked out between us?"

"..The guy who will understand that compliments and hugs are more important than flowers and chocolates. The guy who will not disappoint me when he promises to do something... the guy who will change everything without changing who I am. I need you to be this guy."

"I don't wanna be hurt, because I am, still, and the fact that you didn't do it on purpose doesn't cancel it out. I don't want to be in love with you anymore. Because I can deal with you being the one that got away--at least that was your choice, your responsibility. But I won't allow you to be the one who never left my mind because I never tried to forget."

"I know now why you left. It wasn't because of anything I said or did, or anything I didn't say or didn't do. It wasn't my fault. It wasn't yours, either. You left because I wasn't a part of your present, and that wasn't enough. You never saw me as anything else or anything more. You left because you could. And you're leaving beacuse you can."

"How many people find each other everyday? there are a thousand possibilities, a thousand ways that could've led her to someone. A thousand chances for her to meet a good guy, and to clear up some space for him in her life, and maybe fall in love with him."    

Breaking My Walls

"We are used to thinking that what we give is the same as what we receive, but people who love, expecting to be loved in return, are wasting their time. Love is an act of faith, not an exchange." - Paulo Coelho  

I should really stop writing about things that are way too personal and emotional. Nobody cares anyway. It's narcissistic and futile. But today is important for me, so please humor me.Today I told him I love him, it's not the first time, but for the first time, I was sure. 

I know things are hard now, but maybe, the reason why it's so hard and scary is because I want it to work so bad. I have huge responsibilities in my hands. I live for my goals and I've always took pride in that. But now, I'm letting someone in. I'm not sure how he would fit in the picture but I'll make it work, I'll make room for him. I'm not asking him to take it, but it's his if he wants to.

I don't have faith in forever, people change and in that process they may want different things and leave people behind. I love him now and that's all that matters. I won't limit myself just because it's not a "sure thing" and I don't want to stop myself from saying or doing things because of my pride. I will be as open as I can be and he's free to choose whether he wants to stay or go. 

He never say the things I want/expect to hear, but I can always trust his words and that's worth more than the sweetest sentiments in the world. I love his honesty and his free spirit. He's confident and he's proud of who he is, he never hides himself and there's nothing more admirable than that. He's one of the few people I respect. I love him because there's a lot more to him than meets the eye and he I've never met anyone like him.

I remember the nickname his friend gave him, "Jack" kasi jackpot daw sya sakin, but the truth is, I'm the lucky one, because not everyone has someone who can make them feel the way I feel right now. I'm not sure where this is going, but there's one thing I'm sure of, I'm rooting for us.I trust him. I trust him completely.

"Let your guard down; take a fall you'll never know if you're loved unless you give it your all."

Random scribbles

 "Expectation is the root of all heartache."

My emotions are cluttered and I can't sort them out. I can't express myself in the right way and his judgement isn't helping.

He always expects the worst in me and fails to see how sincere my feelings are.
He always follows his guts, Now I'm following mine.

The truth is, just because you love someone doesn't mean they're good for you.

I'm tired  of trying to explain myself to someone who won't even listen.

I'm tired of trying to rationalize everything just so I can trust him even though he doesn't trust me.

I'm tired of feeling bad about myself and trying to prove that I'm worthy of his love when he's not even worthy of mine.

 I know I need to grow, but do I really have to feel like shit in the process?

I admire him, but I don't like the way he makes me feel.

He makes me feel insecure.
He doesn't trust me.
He always puts me down.
He says he loves me, but doesn't act like he does.
He makes me feel guilty and depressed.

It's not even his fault. He's a free spirit, so I was pretty stupid for thinking that underneath everything, he truly does love me.</3

Paulo Coelho

"In order to hear Love’s words, you must allow Love to approach.
However, when it does draw near, we fear what it might say to us, because Love is free and is not ruled by our will or by what we do.
All lovers know this, but refuse to accept it. They think they can seduce Love through submission, power, beauty, wealth, tears and smiles.
True Love, however, is the love that seduces and will never allow itself to be seduced.
Love transforms, love heals.
We are used to thinking that what we give is the same as what we receive, but people who love, expecting to be loved in return, are wasting their time.
Love is an act of faith, not an exchange.
Contradictions are what make love grow. Conflicts are what allow love to remain by our side.
Life is too short for us to keep important words, for example, ‘I love you’, locked in our hearts."

 

- Paulo Coelho

HIMYM is love

“The future is scary, but you can’t just run back to the past because it’s familiar. It might be tempting, but it’s a mistake”

Cupidity

"Everyone’s got some baggage; it’s part of life. But like anything else, it’s easier when someone gives you a hand with it." – How I Met Your Mother

I blew it. Why am I such a mess? Why can’t I get it right? Whyyy? I’ve never been like this before. :(

My friends keep telling me that maybe, I should just let it go.. that it’s not meant to be. But, I don’t believe in that shit. Even though sometimes it feels like the universe is conspiring against our.. my happiness, I still believe that life is all about choices, and lately, I've been making a lot of wrong choices.

He told me that he didn’t love me anymore.. he never really did, but for a brief second, I felt it, I felt us. There were moments in this past few months when I felt like we could make it.. and I wanted it to work. I wanted it so bad. He’s perfect and that’s all I know. Then, just like always, it all went south and another heartache came upon as a result of my stupidity. Maybe I really am stupid. I’m naïve and immature. Why do I keep doing stupid things? Why do I keep making the wrong decisions? Whyyy?

When my ex and I broke up, I didn’t have the heart to delete our facebook photos, it was the only thing I had left. Somehow, it felt as if they’re the only thing that’s left of the happiness I once felt. I was happy, I was loved and I loved in return. But that’s over, it was a happy memory, one that I will never forget, like every other memory, may it be good or bad, it’s part of me. But, I’ve learn not to dwell on them and I didn’t even have to force myself, because the truth is.. I’m in love with someone else. Time pass and I’ve never even looked at them. I won’t say I forgot they exist, but I didn’t care anymore. They were just there. I moved on. I was ready to create happy memories with someone else.. but I blew it, all because I never bothered to delete those photos. 

I don’t know what I should feel right now. Most of the things he said were harsh but most of them are true. But he’s wrong. I don’t love my ex-boyfriend anymore. Maybe I do miss something, but it’s not the memories or him.. I miss the feeling.. the feeling of being loved.

He told me he didn’t care anymore, that I’ve got a lot of nerves and he doesn’t care if I stay or not.. and I believe him. He’s not like me. He can control his emotions and he thinks of himself above everyone else. He can bounce back as soon as he falls down.

I wish I could break the walls he surrounded himself with and I wish I could make all the doubts disappear. After a long time all my guards are finally down and I was willing to lay it all on the line for him, but timing's a bitch.

Maybe something's aren't meant to be, not because of some strange faith or destiny, life is all about choices, I will stand by that, but because of the sad truth that, just because you choose to be with someone and you're willing to take all the shits that comes with it, doesn't mean he'll do the same... it's doesn't mean he'll choose you.

I want him to stay, tell him that if he could bare with me through this, I'll be the best damn girlfriend there is, but I remember what he told me last night. Heartache is inevitable and I need to spare myself from that feeling, as of the moment. I have a lot of other things to worry about, and besides, I know the truth, he doesn't love me.

I still need a lot of growing up to do, and I’ll start right now…  I’ll let him go.

I won’t ask him to help me carry my baggage, not that I’ve ever asked him to. I have to do this alone. It’s not that heavy and it gets lighter and lighter every single day. As painful as it is to say, I need let him pass by. He deserves better and I deserve a timeout.

It’s another baggage added but I have faith that everything will be worth it in the end. I’ve learned a lot.  

Pictures deleted. Now, all I have to do is to refresh my life.

12:03

"I wish I could trade my heart for another liver – so I could drink more and care less" - Tina Fey

My Dark Clouds and I

I'm a little bit of everything, I'm a Popular Sanguine, a Powerful Choleric, a Peaceful Phlegmatic, but most of all I am a Perfect Melancholy.

My Classmate Suzzaine lend me this book: Personality Plus by Florence Littauer. I don't usually like self-help books, but this is fun to read and really interesting.

I'm a psychology student and I'm familiar with the Four Temperaments. Though, I really didn't pay too much attention during our class discussion about this topic last semester. It wouldn't make any difference if I did anyway.

The Four Personality

   1. The Popular Sanguine

    2. The Powerful Choleric

       3. The Perfect Melancholic

 4. Peaceful Phlegmatic

Sanguine - Pleasure-seeking and sociable

People with sanguine personality type has the basic desire of having fun. They can be described as someone who is adventurous, talkative, having good sense of humor, and someone who likes to express their thought. Sanguine type people are usually popular and well-known. In a party for instance, they can be seen as the life of the party.

People with this personality type are excellent at making initial contact with other people. They are also great at encouraging and uplifting others. They have the desire to ensure everyone is having fun. They can also be described as creative people. (hubpages.com)

Choleric - Ambitious and leader like

People with choleric personality have the basic desire of having control. They want to have control of most of the things around them. Choleric people can be described as someone who is loyal, likes to take charge of things and do things their way. They are fast thinking and tend to take on the leadership role. Choleric people are also better risk takers and they welcome challenges.

People with choleric personality are best at motivating people to action, instructing, and controlling job activities. They are typically viewed as a leadership person. (hubpages.com)

Phlegmatic - Relaxed and quiet

People with phlegmatic personality have the basic desire to have peace. Phlegmatic people can be described as someone who is calm, soft and cool. They are also friendly, well balanced and usually have many friends. Phlegmatic people are very good listeners.

Phlegmatic personality people are best at staying calm amidst chaos. They do not overreact to negative situation and tries to ensure everone is comfortable and satisfied. However, phlegmatic people can sometimes known to be undiciplined and are usually indecisive type. They are great for being support persons in a team. (hubpages.com)

Melancholic - Introvert and thoughtful

People with melancholy personality type have the basic desire to have perfection in their life. Melancholy people can be described as someone who is analytical, purposeful, sensitive and being serious. They can also be described as someone who likes to think. Melancholy people set high standards for things to be accomplished and they are well planned and very organized people.

In addition, they can also be seen as someone who likes to be in their own personal space and like quiet surrounding and typically hang out with a smaller group of friends.

Besides, they are also best at planning, setting long term goals and great at explaining details. They can usually work with figures pretty well too. Simply put, melancholy people are viewed as detailed people. (hubpage.com)

 ...............

The first part of the book is a test which allows you to find out your personality profile. According to this book I am a Perfect Melancholy and I agree. Like most melancholics, I'm easily depressed, I'm too sensitive and I'm a pessimists since birth. I'm also bashful, permissive, doubtful, timid and skeptical.

Perfect Melancholies are the soul, the mind, the spirit and the heart of humanity. They don't take things at face value, but digs into the inner truths. They see beneath the surface of life. -PP

Perfect Melancholies comes prepackaged with a pessimistic view of life. This trait is positive, because they are able to look ahead and see the problems other temperaments don't notice, but carried to an extreme they never seem to have a happy moment. -PP

Perfect Melancholy

Deep and thoughtful

Analytical

Serious and purposeful

Genius prone

Talented and creative

Artistic and musical

Appreciative of beauty

Sensitive to others

Self-sacrificing

Conscientious

Idealistic

Seeks ideal mate

I really enjoyed reading this book. If you want to understand yourself and those around you better, then you should try this out. It's useful and provides great insights on different personalities. I do believe that this will indeed bring "lasting changes" as it claims. It will help you improve your relationships with other people and create a better "you". 

This Book Contains Five Parts:

I. Personality Profile: A Quick Method of Self-Examination

II. Personality Potential: A look at Our Individual Assets

III. Personality Plan: A Way to Overcome Personal Weaknesses

IV. Personality Principles: A path to Improve Relations with Others

V. Personality Power:  A Source of Strength to Achieve Our Potentials

Here are few things that I learned from this book:

  

• No one likes gloomy people. Even if you have every reason to hang yourself, no one wants to hear about it.
• Don't take everything too personally.
• Learn to evaluate others by their set of temperament traits and not by your own.
• Don't get hurt so easily.
• Look for positives.
• Because of inborn negative inclinations, Perfect melancholies focus their judgement most harshly upon themselves.
• Perfect Melancholies have the greatest potential for success. Don't be your own worst enemy.
• Don't put unrealistic demands on others.
• Keep advice until asked.
• Accentuate the positives. Eliminate the negatives.
• Listen for Evidence of "False Humility" 
• Practice Patience

 

Quotes:

"Is your life full of difficulties and temptaions? Then be happy, for when the way is rough, your patience has a chance to grow."

"Some people build their walls so thick no one ever gets to know the real person inside."

"Anyone who loves knowledge wants to be told when he is wrong. It is stupid to hate being corrected."

"Kind words are like honey -- enjoyable and healthy."

"To learn, you must want to be taught.."